Moving Forward

We are moving into our new house this weekend.  In today's volatile and tremulous economy I can't think of a better course of action than going several hundred thousand dollars into debt, sorry, further debt, but it's happening.  In the last ten years I've lived above people who lodged noise complaints against me while I was out of town, gone to war with a condo board, had towels stolen from shared laundry rooms and my door mat grabbed and pulled right under my door never to be seen or heard from again.  I checked the mail for a ransom note for weeks but nothing ever came.  Admittedly I've gotten a measure of revenge.  Leaving a fully decorated Christmas tree in a stair well, doing my best to earn that noise complaint posthumously, and never, EVER cleaning after moving out.  It's always been my opinion that the damage deposit is a down payment on the cleaning service that is inevitably going to be brought in anyways.

I won't miss feet banging on the ceiling, music pounding from below, weird smells in the hallways or fighting for a parking spot every   single    day.  No more roommates moving in and out, rent cheques needing to be written or received, other people's dishes and other people's spoiled food.  No more late nights spent thinking up ways to passive aggressively get someone to hang the toilet paper facing the right way.  Finally I won't have to sneak into anyone's bedroom and sit by the head of their bed, thinking how easily I could remedy that "never empties the dishwasher" problem permanently.  No I'm not looking forward with glee to driveway shoveling,  lawn maintenance or property taxes, but at least it will be my lawn, my driveway and my property. Plus I stay out of prison.



So the packing is almost finished and in a couple of days  I'm going to call on my friends, exhausted though they may be from the 4 other moves in the last couple years, and I'll bribe them with the usual pizza and beer for some heavy lifting.  They say a friend will help you move, and a true friend will help you move a body.  They might be calling one another to dispose of mine if this location doesn't stick.

The beginning of the end

Making the jump from witty Facebook comments that only your friends see to a medium the whole internet gets to experience is a little unsettling.  I'm fairly confident none of my friends will sue me for defamation of character.  And I'm all about defaming people.

Take the English for starters, they started a war over their right to sell drugs to Chinese addicts, haven't had a single culinary success in their thousand year history, and they steadfastly refuse to obey any sort of dental hygiene regimen.  That being said, i'm sure English people have many redeeming qualities I'm not aware of, I only lived there for a year after all.  I promise to dig deep over the coming weeks and months in an attempt to find something positive to say about the dirty English and their inbred royal family.

But back to me, how do you begin your first broadcast to the viewing public.  Obviously I need to be cutting edge cool, hilariously offensive(see above), and heartwarmingly touching.  Or I could start with a complete rant about something I hate a couple times a month.  Hell I could just make a list of the things that I hate, that's enough to fill up several posts.  But no, while I promise let my strong feelings on sensitive subjects be known more often than I should, I want to first speak about something with a little more substance.

Zombies.  While it is widely accepted that zombies do not exist, one has to admit the possibility of their existence at some later point or in some other reality.  If you put any stock in the theory of infinite parallel universes then I can GUARANTEE you that your mom is a zombie in several of them.  For that matter in a truly infinite multiverse your zombie mom is dating Hitler.  So if we accept that zombies could exist in theory, the natural next step is to panic.  Go pillage a hardware store and light some cars on fire.  I'll wait.

Seriously though, I love zombies, I might even take their side when it all goes down.